I spent hours pondering how to write this essay. I sat in Starbucks deliberating the different angles to fully and completely define myself. Eventually, I drove to church searching for clarity. There I found who I am.
“I am nothing. Yet, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our Potter, and we all are the work of Your hand” (Isaiah 64:8). I have tried to define myself according to man’s standards of thinking and it was tiresome and frustrating. I sat at the altar and sought God for an answer. After ten minutes, He inspired me with the thought that I was nothing until I met Him. He reminded me of who I was. He revealed to me who I am.
Now allow me to preface what you are about to read with this statement: I am not perfect. I do not claim and will never claim perfection. In fact, I do not believe that one aspect of my life is perfect, but that is the joy of Christianity. God is not looking for perfection; He is looking for progression. He is looking for willing hearts and complete surrender. He wants nothing more than for people to come to Him as they are, and allow Him to mold them and make them into who He is. Is it hard? Yes. Is it painful? Yes. Is it trying? Yes. With all of that, it is the most liberating and exhilarating experience in life. To know who I am because I am a part of something much greater than myself is a feat that leaves me speechless.
“Who am I that you are mindful of me?” (Psalm 8: 4) Inhabiting the earth at this time there is an estimated 6,727,094,555 people. In the United States of America, there are 301,139,947 people. In the state of Georgia, the population is 9,363,941. Atlanta has 429,500 living in the city. At Georgia State alone, there are 21,291 students. I am one of them. To most people I am just a breathing pile of mass, an obstruction to someone’s view, and at most a face in the crowd. With this in mind, why would anyone take the time to listen to me? Many other people are smarter, funnier, and kinder than I am. I am not a leader of the world, nor am I a high-powered celebrity-not as if they have anything valuable to say anyway. No one should listen to me. No one should care about what I have to say. In fact, it is no one’s job to be my friend, but God is. I am insignificant. I am an ant in the world colony, but knowing someone listens and cares is beautiful. I am minded.” Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord will hear when I call to him” (Psalm 4:3).
People are constantly searching for a purpose. People want to find a place. I have searched for a place to be a part of something greater than I am. I joined clubs. I have taken up hobbies. I joined cliques in hopes of fitting in. I was looking for an answer in all the wrong places. I have been going to church since I was a child. I accepted Jesus in my heart. I was in all the Christmas plays. I worked in the nursery. I was the good ol church member. I thought if I went through the motions, I would be a member of the body of Christ. I was partially. It was like a phantom limb. I was there, but I lacked presence. I lacked the actual feeling of God. I did things because I thought that was what I had to do. I know now that being a member of the body of Christ is not just about being involved in ministry. It is about connecting with others in Christ to glorify and edify His name. I am a part of the body of Christ. “The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ” (1st Corinthians 12:12).
I am a sinner saved by grace. Born into a world of sin, I have done my part in making the world an awful place. I enjoy doing mean things to people. I like to hurt people’s feelings. People say I have a low self-esteem, but it is not that. I think it is fun to see a little bit of human suffering. For me it is natural to want to lie before I tell the truth. I used to believe it was easier. For years, I would lie about anything big or small, serious or silly; I would lie about it. People now minimize the effects of sin, by calling it a prettier name, but it is what it is and I was wrong for doing it. I lived as if nothing I did was wrong, that sin was pleasure and good was torture. After sometime of living like this, I got heavily involved in pornography. I would visit sites daily and watch the computer screen until my eyes glazed over. I felt something in my spirit telling me it was wrong, but after a while, I learned to mute that voice. I was hungry for something. For a while, porn kept me satisfied, but I wanted more. I had already decided previously to keep my virginity sacred; so sex was not an option. The void that was in me turned into sorrow. I would spend hours at a time crying and weeping wishing for deliverance from living. I began administering physical lacerations on myself. I was doing physically what I felt. It always stopped my crying and put me at ease. I alienated my family out of fear of rejection and took on the role as socially inept, avoiding all forms of communication with others-unless it was an insult. I had hardened myself. I wanted to feel nothing. Not love, not joy, not safety, not anything, but lonesomeness. My life went on like this from seventh grade to tenth grade. Until one day, my mother caught me, in all my sin. She called me out and prayed for me. I did not want her to, but she did, all the time. Two years later, I know I am in a better place. To declare that I never feel lonely would be a lie, but I know God has saved me from myself. I did not deserve salvation. I was a disgrace, but he restored me. He made me better. But go and learn what this means: “I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I [Jesus] have not come to call the righteous, but sinners” (Matthew 9:13).
Many may not appreciate this essay, but I know in my heart that I cannot tell anyone who I am and what I have done without telling them about Christ. I have been fearful to, but that is all of who I am. Anything that does not line up with God, I do not want to be.
If you ask someone to describe me one might say, “Tosin Akande is funny, opinionated, passionate, and smart.” However, if you ask me to describe myself I will say, “I am minded. I am a sinner saved by grace. I am nothing. I am a part of the body of Christ. And most importantly I am a child of the King.” For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that I am a child of God, and if a child, then an heir— a heir of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed I suffer with Him, that I may also be glorified together” (Romans 8:15-17).
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